One door closes…and you realize that your house has very old doorknobs. Old don’t bother me at all, but ugly sure does. My doors are durable and solid and they look so pretty. Time to upgrade those doorknobs – easy fix, right? Sure! I can do this one all by myself – no help needed. I headed over to the Big Orange and bought loads of door hardware. I used Kwickset brand and settled on the Lido in brushed nickel. Go time: I started with the bathroom as that’s the most complete room. I, with extreme difficulty, removed the doorknob that was on there since the house was built (the early 1950’s). It was really stuck on there. Then there was a battle. A battle of epic proportions: Kwickset Blister-Pack versus girl. Armed with nothing more than a heavy-duty utility knife and unwavering determination, Girl did prevail. Let it be forever told throughout the land that Kwickset Blister-Pack did not go quietly. In fact, some say they fear that Girl may never be the same again…
After the battle of the blister pack, I took my recently liberated shiny new doorknob apart. Alright! Glanced at the instructions real fast, and took the rest of the lockset apart. Step 1: put one side of the knob on there, then fit on the other side: easy peasy. Lets get that going then! Here we go…just push this half through the hole in the door…here we go…thump. What? Hold on, it doesn’t go…let me turn this here and that there and yep…thump.
The standard bore hole for 1950’s doors was (something like) 1-3/8″ inches. Today it is 2-1/8″. That’s not going to work at all. It never occurred to me that this could happen, the doorknob package I recently defeated says “guaranteed fit“. That’s a bunch of – I don’t know what to call it – because I can’t even find an asterisk that says “except this or that” situation. That’s right, my darn doors are so old they no longer sell knobs I can use to pretty them up.
So I had to ask for Dad’s help. Again. He arranged to bring a 2-1/8″ hole saw and make me a jig for drilling out the doors. Good thing was, he actually had it already made from doing this before in one of his old homes. Woot! So much for my easy project, huh? At least the doors didn’t need to be taken off the hinges and dragged to Dad’s to be drilled out properly in the shop. Dad got all the doors redone and we put the knobs on. We actually decided that the way the handles hung was kind of awkward so we rearranged it so that way they the little ball detail faces down instead of up as the manufacturer suggests. What to you think? I am not changing it if you don’t agree, just being polite. Haha. Steve was admiring Dads work, of which I only helped out ever so slightly in the end. He opened the last door with a comment of how nice they were and…thump. Yep, I said thump again! The darn doorknob went tumbling onto the floor and down the steps. We all laughed so much, we could not believe it! What now!? Turns out that very last lockset was a cross-threaded! What are the odds I would get one messed up from the manufacturer and install it last? I needed to take it back…just when you think you’re done, right? Them’s the breaks. Back to Big Orange.
Nothing could prepare me for how craptastic it was was trying to explain to the Big Orange returns lady why I was handing her a Wawa bag with a shredded blister pack and loads of little metal parts inside. She didn’t understand what cross-threading was and I had to show her multiple stripped hex tools before she understood. Here is a taste of how that exchange went:
Big Orange Lady (BOL): “We can’t resell that now – look at the package.”
Me: “Yes, I know. Its defective, as in not functioning properly, so really, you shouldn’t have sold it to me. Haha. I just need an exchange.”
BOL:”You didn’t like the style and opened it any way?”
Me: “No, its defective. It is broken. I needed to open it to find out that information. I want an even exchange for the defective cross-threaded knob. See, on the receipt here, I purchased 8 of these. Only one was defective.”
BOL: “We can’t resell that now – look at the package!”
Me: “Yes, I know. We did that part already. Its DEFECTIVE. See this here screw, won’t turn. Set wrong at the factory. Here are some stripped tools from trying to turn it. I need an exchange.”
BOL: “We sell stuff to spray and loosen that.”
Me: “Yes, I am aware of WD40. I will by that when I need it for old things in my house. For now, I bought this new, broken knob and would like a replacement. Its defective, from the manufacturer. I don’t want to buy products to fix something that came defective out of the box. I need an exchange.”
BOL: “Oh, I didn’t realize you bought it from here broken already. What you need is an exchange, Miss. That’s what you need. I can help.”
Me: Thinking: Sweet Heaven I want to just walk out with my new one and throw this mess right on the floor. “Really? Thanks! Yes. I should have asked for an exchange up front. I’ll do that next time.”
BOL: “Don’t worry about it.”
REALLY!? I didn’t freak – no Big Orange employees were harmed in this scenario. I just got my exchange and left. I love my new door hardware! I only hope they build a Big Blue here soon. I often drive to Philly or Delaware even though I can basically walk to the Big Orange.
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